A clean turn on cobblestones

I've been wanting to write this post for a few days, but just couldn't seem to find the right words or enough time to write them while knowing that this post could have ended up being  both overly dramatic and absolutely irrelevant at the same time. These past few months have been a series of losses and gains. Inevitably, I’ve lost some friends to the call of greener pastures, and while that was happening...realizing that I have to let some go in order to keep and be able to hold onto the ones I hold so dear to my heart.
Those who know me understand that I am not a social being, reaching the point of being completely antisocial at times. As such, I don’t look for people and I am usually perfectly happy being alone. 

I also learned that giving a damn is actually a really exhausting activity. Growing up, I decided that caring and expecting something from anything or anybody usually lead to disappointment. In a way, it has been the mantra of my life until this point. I strove to take everything lightly and believed that exerting little to no effort in anything bears the greatest rewards. Imagine my surprise when I found out that I completely failed in my attempt to not get attached to things. When the waterworks happened, I knew that I was doomed.
Friendship, it seems, mattered to me more than I thought it did.  It also made me reassess the importance of people in my life. Despite my idealized perception on being on an island, it seems that it isn’t for me or, even if it is, I have reached the point that I cannot possibly believe that anymore.

When everything I'm doing falls into place and keeps going the right way, I get incredibly caught up in the process of success and overwhelming sense of accomplishment.  Time just seems to fly right past me, and no sooner do I turn around to take notice of all that has passed me by that I notice all that I've been missing while my successes have swept me away from some of the things and people whom I cherish.

I feel the intense need to apologize to friends who I let slip away, and while I do, they tell me that there is no need...and reassurance settles that no matter how much time or distance is in between, that it won't change our relationship. 

"If you don't fall in love, you can't get hurt."

"If you don't expect anything, you can't reach disappointment."

"If you don't breathe, you can't live."

It was that last sentence that I heard that gave me a reminder of the person I used to be, social or not.  I chose to live more and worry later.  But instead of trying to figure out what happened and why, and conducting some soul searching and worrying about how I simply missed a turn somewhere... it's cleaner to have a revitalized starting point: with more energy, drive, and motivation for myself and not splitting into so many different directions that the slivers are too thin to show any real sense of noticeable accomplishment.