My loss will be their gain

When I was a little girl, the hokey pokey really was what it was all about.  Back when The Simpsons were still classic childish comedy, chanting bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish, and swinging higher on the swing than my sister was considered an accomplishment...and not a worry in the world. 

I wonder, only after knowing, if it's better to know the details or if it's better to go on with ignorance.  As I write the next chapter to my book...it brings back memories of a journey not easily walked through.  I know that logically it's about understanding, and as I use my writing as personal growth exercises, I know that children who will be growing into young adults will find companionship in my book.  That sense of accomplishment will be ever-so-worth-it when that day comes--when I can say: "that's my book".

Goodbye Trust. Hello Poptarts.

I've often found that it's difficult to separate myself from things that directly affect me... no matter how much I honestly and sincerely try; and no matter how much I believe and take the advice that I should go about my business and not get involved, even mentally.  

I've been backed into a corner, and forced into acceptance and toleration.  I've rolled every scenario in my mind, but of course when someone I have to trust tells me that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I feel like my hands are tied.

I'm perplexed and completely dumbfounded in the idea of trust.  Trust is a reward from integrity and personal ethics.  I didn't award trust on merit or my own good judgment, but on the judgment of others who I trust to guide me in my path and through my learning curve. 

I am still lost in this maze without a sighting of light to shine indicating an end is drawing near. 

Goodbye Means See You Later...

I never thought about not growing up... though I foolishly believed in all of those fairytale stories and the happily ever after endings.  No one ever tells you that time will go by so fast you don't even realize it until it's gone, or that you will have to say goodbye to more people than you want to let go of and lose.

I've thought a lot about the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder, so if goodbye simply meant "see you later" then I was able to find some strength and courage in myself...and had faith in the thought that goodbye wasn't forever.

I had to learn about life and death, heartache and pain at such a young age.

My grandma went into the hospital, and when she fell into a coma we knew it was going to happen.  After I lost her I told my mother, straight from the heart of a seven-year-old: "by the time you get old, they will have invented a pill for you to live forever" because then the most important person in my life would always be there for me.

A few years later, my grandpa died... and in my heart I believe he died of loneliness.  Although I knew he would be alone a lot, and regardless of all the many hours I spent with him because my grandma was gone... he knew, and I knew that something, or rather someone was missing.  It was the first true evidence I had witnessed to someone dying of loneliness.  

But death isn't something we can control...life runs its course, and death inevitably follows.  No matter how afraid, or hurt, or sad we become, our strength and courage must overcome that.  And although we find it difficult to accept that someone's life has been lived, we do find comfort in knowing they won't feel anymore pain.  They won't feel anymore heartache or worry and for a reason we can't ever think of, they were meant to go.  And my comfort is in knowing my grandparents are together again and neither of them have to be alone.

I always said, if only I could've said goodbye...  But the truth is that we never want to say goodbye.  We want one more moment, one more breath, just one more hug...the touch of their hand and the sound of their laughter.

Time is the most precious gift we can give each other...

And it isn't about letting go of the people they were or the memories I made with them...

And just like a dear friend one said: goodbye can still mean, see you later.

A clean turn on cobblestones

I've been wanting to write this post for a few days, but just couldn't seem to find the right words or enough time to write them while knowing that this post could have ended up being  both overly dramatic and absolutely irrelevant at the same time. These past few months have been a series of losses and gains. Inevitably, I’ve lost some friends to the call of greener pastures, and while that was happening...realizing that I have to let some go in order to keep and be able to hold onto the ones I hold so dear to my heart.
Those who know me understand that I am not a social being, reaching the point of being completely antisocial at times. As such, I don’t look for people and I am usually perfectly happy being alone. 

I also learned that giving a damn is actually a really exhausting activity. Growing up, I decided that caring and expecting something from anything or anybody usually lead to disappointment. In a way, it has been the mantra of my life until this point. I strove to take everything lightly and believed that exerting little to no effort in anything bears the greatest rewards. Imagine my surprise when I found out that I completely failed in my attempt to not get attached to things. When the waterworks happened, I knew that I was doomed.
Friendship, it seems, mattered to me more than I thought it did.  It also made me reassess the importance of people in my life. Despite my idealized perception on being on an island, it seems that it isn’t for me or, even if it is, I have reached the point that I cannot possibly believe that anymore.

When everything I'm doing falls into place and keeps going the right way, I get incredibly caught up in the process of success and overwhelming sense of accomplishment.  Time just seems to fly right past me, and no sooner do I turn around to take notice of all that has passed me by that I notice all that I've been missing while my successes have swept me away from some of the things and people whom I cherish.

I feel the intense need to apologize to friends who I let slip away, and while I do, they tell me that there is no need...and reassurance settles that no matter how much time or distance is in between, that it won't change our relationship. 

"If you don't fall in love, you can't get hurt."

"If you don't expect anything, you can't reach disappointment."

"If you don't breathe, you can't live."

It was that last sentence that I heard that gave me a reminder of the person I used to be, social or not.  I chose to live more and worry later.  But instead of trying to figure out what happened and why, and conducting some soul searching and worrying about how I simply missed a turn somewhere... it's cleaner to have a revitalized starting point: with more energy, drive, and motivation for myself and not splitting into so many different directions that the slivers are too thin to show any real sense of noticeable accomplishment.