Wow Yourself, That's All That Matters

I have found it fairly easy to move forward and virtually forget about my high school years.  Those years spent changing schools, packing up all of my stuff, saying goodbye... it felt so routine and without a lot of emotional turmoil that leaving "home" for college couldn't have been an easier step for me to take.  And now, with all the time that has passed me by, high school has become a faded memory that I only have a mere moment's worth of a reminder when someone's birthday comes around the corner or when I hear about homecoming during this time of year.  And I have this vision of a homecoming football game: the coach yelling, cheerleaders jumping, spectators and fans screaming from the bleachers... that was a time when winning that game meant more than anything.

My place in all of the excitement... was as a fan.  I sat on the sidelines and watched all of the craziness.  This could have very possibly been my first clue that I was a quiet introvert, and very much my first step in figuring myself out.  That is a journey that I still don't believe is complete.  I mean, here I am 10 years later and I am still trying to make sense of all the craziness that I see, hear, and experience... and sometimes, get thrown into.  And at times I still feel my head spinning... and what happens when your head spins for too long, you lose your balance and fall down.  I have to reassure myself that I can pick myself back up again and keep pushing, motivating, and inspiring myself... keeping my eyes open...

I won't allow myself to forget the drive, passion, and love I have to keep myself going no matter how much these things seem to work against me.  With a wish, a hope, a prayer, a dream... a dream where everything can be so much simpler, easier, and within fingertip's reach, but always more than an arm length away.  Attaining victory is always and will always be the most invigorating feeling, and nothing can surpass that.  My victory is to attain all the teeny goals I set in front of myself, and the ability to look behind myself afterwords and say wow.

Step back into reality

I've met so many different people over the years, but I stop and wonder and question, although never out loud, why most women I meet are simply in the market to land a man.  I've heard women say that they're only half a person until they find their other half, their soul mate, true love... it's as if life doesn't really begin until they have a ring on their finger or get escorted down the aisle to begin this new life with two people as one.

Don't misunderstand what I'm saying...relationships are great, especially when you get to share your life with someone...sharing your hopes, dreams, fears, goals, and every spark of greatness and disappointment, failure and triumph... but what happened to the independent, strong-willed women?  I know they are out there, it just seems that with every corner I turn, and every new woman I acquaint myself with have such a view of relying on a man. I won't be happy until I have a man by my side. 

If a woman relies solely on a man, she tends to lose herself in the relationship...forgetting self worth and appreciation.  I met a very sweet girl a few years ago who graduated from college with honors and said it was just for a backup plan in case she didn't get married.  And that explanation shocked me because I thought of what a waste an intellectual mind truly is in her case.  It reminds me of the remake of the movie Stepford Wives.  Every single woman who lived in the community was an intellectual woman who did very well for herself and each one was brainwashed into being a gorgeous, happy, peppy housewife who waited on their husbands hand and foot.  It's because of movies like that one that make me stop and think about the fact that society hasn't changed a whole lot over the years.  Obviously men love to be pampered and waited on as the so called king of the castle.

I don't completely comprehend why it is that women have this notion that happiness is only achieved after finding and marrying a man...catching and keeping him always.  There's a tone in their voice(s) that exhibits self doubt in attaining happiness before they meet someone worth sharing it all with. 

The best advice I've ever received is true for everyone, not just for men, not just for women...no one out there wants to wind up with someone who isn't successful or motivated in their own way.  Confidence is the biggest attraction across the board and even having an ounce of self doubt or harboring of a self esteem issue can easily turn away the opposite sex.  However, attracting someone is usually done at the most inopportune time.  If a guy doesn't like me in my sweats with my hair pulled back and no makeup on my face, then he isn't worth my time.  Comfy clothing choices aren't what defines ability or intellect.


Women shouldn't think that their lives are going to stop or fall apart because they are without a man.  If a man cheats, it's his conscience that suffers, it's his worth and value that depreciates.  If he walks away, it's his loss and a mistake he must live with in regret of what he left.  Women beat themselves up over being alone and allow themselves to fall into some kind of depression because they are not accompanied by a man who makes her complete.  We are not in the movie Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger "you complete me".  Life is a lot harsher than that and regardless of how memorable a movie is because it exhibits what we want to see and hear, when the movie is over we must step back into reality.

Blogging my footprint

Five years ago, if I had looked ahead to today I definitely would not have thought I would be where I am.  And I remember five years ago... I had flown myself to England on British Airways and journeyed through the best three months of picture taking, researching, traveling, singing, laughing, cocktailing... and planned every part of my life out... getting my MA in Boston, living with and marrying (what I thought was) the love of my life, and growing my own roots as I write and publish stories I longed to have on pages in a book on a shelf in a book store with a publisher's mark on the inside of the first page.

I was so naive that I couldn't recognize the signs that were right in front of me telling me that this was not the path that was meant for me.  I didn't have a choice but to join the work zone: three piece suits, stockings, pumps...the whole shabang.  And working day-in and day-out with the same eight people led me to the realization that I hated being bolted to a desk.  Retail management was calling my name.

This was just after I had broken off my relationship of four and a half years, and instead of blaming myself and throwing myself into a pit of depression, regret, and remorse, I knew that I needed to fill my time and energy with something better.  And what better to fill all that time with than surrounding myself with people?  Nine times out of ten, when someone smiles at you the immediate thoughtless reaction is to smile back, and that's exactly the medicine I needed.

The mystery and adventure of retail is that I never know what I am going to get myself into, with every customer complaint, issue, resolution...fulfilling every duty, completing every task on the list that only grows even as I check them off in order of priority.  A department store is an animal in its own retail species, and any time of year there is so much hustle and bustle, but the holiday season is so incredibly insane--not just for one day, although that one day, just after thanksgiving, is a day to grit my teeth and bear it.  I escaped that jungle a year ago, and although I am still in retail management I have the time and energy to read, write, imagine, create, discover and document my journey through life.  I have the time to stop and smell the roses, if you will.

Of course, with help and support along the way has helped me move slowly in the right direction.  Regardless of all of the setbacks or hindering that stood in my way, I managed to move past all of the bad and allow myself to change and grow through my bumpy journey.

You see, five years ago, and the journey through those five years I felt like I was never going to get my chance, my break, to give the time I needed to be able to give to my writing.  And as I lost touch with myself, I starting thinking what a failure I had become.  I wasn't simply procrastinating, I actually started believing I couldn't write anymore with the personal style, flare, and hoohaa that I grew while in college. 

And here I sit, writing and illustrating my book, enjoying life's challenges, and blogging my footprint into the world.