Never reaching enough

I often procrastinate when I don't want to face a project that I know I need to work on, but just don't have the nerve and the guts to actually put out the effort and the energy.  I think to myself that I can take care of it later and I convince myself that it's okay to do that.  I wind up making it a habit, and then I look back on all the time that has gone by and I think about how fast all that time went, day after day, month after month or repeated procrastination.

My mother passed away in March and in the beginning of June, John and I closed on our new house.  I was lucky enough that I had some pretty amazing friends come over and not just help me move everything, but they went into my mother's bedroom and closet and packed everything up and put it all into boxes so that I wouldn't have to deal with sorting and organizing her clothing, bedding, linens, etc.

The hard part now is actually opening the boxes and going through everything.  It has been about six months since she passed away, and I still haven't brought myself to the point where I can go through her things.  I just keep organizing and re-organizing everything in hopes that it will all eventually fit into smaller spaces.  Realistically I know that won't happen, but a girl can dream can't she?

I've been told that if I can't identify a box's contents by looking at the unopened box, then that means what is inside wasn't a necessity and that I should be able to just get rid of it.  Of course, I don't think that's a good idea.  I'm not a hoarder, but I'm also not the type to waste things that could have been used by someone.

Maybe the reason it's so hard for me to let go of everything is because I don't want to let go of my mother.  Maybe because there are so many things I still want to say to her and can't.  Maybe it's because I know I'll never hear her voice again, or see her face again.  Maybe it's because I know I can't change anything that has already happened.  Maybe it's because every time I think of her, I remember all of her sacrifice and I remember how long it had been since I said "thank you" to her for things she did for me, and advice she gave me when she knew I needed it without my having to ask.

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we’re dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone and angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls if we could in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

Right now, I'm in the angry stage.  And it's not the same for everyone because I depict anger as more rage inclusive.  I get so angry with myself that I cry.  And I don't know how many tears I may have to cry before my body thinks it has been enough.  I may never reach enough.

When everything smells of cinnamon

When I'm stressed or lonely or need some comfort in the moment, I bake.  And I don't just bake a few cookies or one two layered cake, and I would never dream of making one apple pie or just one baking pan of brownies.

There's been a lot of loneliness and depression lately, so needless to say that quite a few pies, cakes, and cookies have come out of my kitchen over the last couple of months.

This cake takes a long time to make because of all of the individual layers, but tastes very moist and has the capability of fulfilling any sized sweet spot.

I also ventured into baking peanut butter blossoms for the first time, and if I do say so myself, they turned out quite nicely:

And then there were the apple pies with crumb topping.  They were such a big hit that they didn't last long enough to take nice photos of them.  It took longer to prepare and bake than it took for them to disappear into people's stomachs.

I've always made time during the holiday season to bake and I try to make at least one new thing every year.  The most time consuming one year was chocolate covered gummy bears.  I also learned to make a low fat and low cholesterol pumpkin bread and a banana bread.

And one thing to remember about me and my baking habits... I add cinnamon to absolutely positively everything... pies, cakes, cookies, breads... And of course, everything smells better with cinnamon. 

A Long Haul



It has been a long time since I have written.  I was just going through my older posts, and I can't believe it has been over FIVE months since the last time I wrote... not that I haven't written anything, just that I haven't had the courage to post...to put it all out there.

So, good news always first right?  Everyone always wants the good stuff before they have to hear about all the bad stuff.

I got a promotion at work!  I have been the new Operations Supervisor since the beginning of May.  Woohoo for moving onward and upward!

John and I closed on our house in the beginning of June!  Yep, we bought a house!  No more asking a landlord permission for anything!  We can add another furry addition to our family if we want to!  We can re-paint and change the flooring!  Which FYI, is going to happen because this house is all different shades of blue.  But I guess it could be worse right?  Could be some aweful pink and green colors that would have stopped me from moving into this house as fast as we did.  I would have had a painter come and and splash the whole place white just to get rid of the hideousness.  But blue is something I can live with 'til next year.  In the mean time, unpacking is my goal.  We have so much stuff...

and now that leads me into the bad news...

On March 2nd, my mother passed away.  I can say that the one memory that sticks out the most in my mind when she was in the hospital, is that the last things we said to each other was "I love you".  I have so many things I still want to say and because I can't say them to her now, I am at a loss for words.  I cry a lot... so much sometimes that it takes away all of my energy and I fall asleep. 

Even though I moved out of the house we lived in together for the last 4 years... I inherited all of her things... and unpacking is memory after memory of her... she's all around me.  I suppose that can be a positive process for me...reminiscing in the stories behind everything she owned.  The hard part is that I haven't been able to part with anything.  It is mostly boxed up and in the "box room" which will one day be called the guest bedroom.

Ever since my mother and I had moved in together, I had been taking care of Georgie, her golden retriever.  He's seven years old now, and I know will lose a big part of myself when he dies.  But I'm very happy that he has managed to make a play-mate out of my tabby cat, Knickers.  Knickers is nine years old, and may actually out-live Georgie.  Knickers has been mine since I rescued him in March of 2006.  These two keep me on my toes and I think remind me that it's okay to play rough every once in a while, and not to forget to have fun.

So although this isn't a long post with lots of intricate details...what I'm hoping you understand is that I have had a lot on my plate, and although I had a small LoA... I haven't forgotten to write.  I was avoiding it because I wasn't ready to face the whole truth.  And...maybe I'm still not.  But I have to start somewhere.  It definitely is going to be a long haul...

Always Looking for the Silver Lining

So starts the month of love.  The stores are stocked with hearts and chocolates, florists are gearing up for that one special day that will make their whole season worth-while.  You know which day I'm speaking of--February 14th--Valentine's Day.  The retail world really has dipped a big hand into turning this day into something more than it was ever meant to be.  It's a day of girly romantic comedy flicks... a day of hearts, hugs, and over-spending beyond our limits.  The question I usually have during this holiday is...why do we buy into this overly retailed holiday? Wasn't Christmas enough?  The commercials, the advertisements, the magazine clips...books, poetry, stories... fairy tales and happily-ever-afters.

If we were really in love...if we are so fortunate and lucky to be people who have found love in ourselves and in our lives, then having this day should be no different than any other.  Feeling special and unique...dare I say extraordinary, should be a regular occurrence.  Should be...but we get so wrapped up and preoccupied with our work and errands and responsibilities including any surprises that life than throw in just to keep us on your toes.  And we can't help but forget to take a minute away from our focus and breathe...we forget about all the little things that when they are added together help make the big picture possible.

We can't look for the silver lining...
We can't always see the best of everything.  We can, however, put our trust in faith and push forward.  When we aren't looking or expecting it, the trim will shine bright.

Maybe There's Something More

Maybe she's just crazy
But I believe she's onto something

Everything she knows is fear
And everything she believes is right here


Everything in life's for sale
And everything of value is retail

Maybe there's something more
 -Travis Lee Band


Every so often I take a look at my life and think, this is it?  What an easy way to get discouraged with my life and the journey I'm traveling through.  It's a reminder of the cliche of whether the glass is half full or half empty.  Either way, it makes me think.  I reminisce with hundreds and hundreds of photographs with a few big gaps in the more recent years, and I can't help but feel that it must've been wasted time.  I can take the easy way out with an excuse but regardless of anything that I can come up with to justify the lack of memory-making, it won't suffice.  I guess this is what people mean when I hear them talk about regret--something I always told myself I would never feel.  Regret is for people who want to punish themselves for their own choices and decisions.  I always say that this is my life and I make conscious choices, whether they turn out to be mistakes or not I will learn something from everything I do and each step in my journey.

Maybe there's something more...

Read between the lines.  I shouldn't over-analyze to the point that I'm driving myself crazy and then recounting all of the should'ves, could'ves, would'ves and the what-ifs because there could be a million different variations.  First, I make a decision and then it turns into a mistake, which I analyze to death and run through every possible scenario in my already over-worked mind and kick myself for the original decision.  And that process could take an over abundance of time which could have been spent doing something more productive... like moving onto the next step rather than festering over this one blip in time.

Maybe there's something more...

My eyes can only see so far down the road before it becomes unclear.  I can't see my future.  It isn't pre-planned and mapped to a tee.  Things happen.  How I deal and change during each transition is part of how I define myself.  It isn't about how someone else defines me... personal integrity and morale are really all that matter.

Maybe there's something more...

I have a dream to chase, a life to lead, a soul to shake.  There is definitely something more to reality than I can see with my eyes.  There is definitely something more to life than I realize right now in this second.  It isn't about waiting for things to happen, but about making my dreams happen for me... and I have so many.