A Long Haul



It has been a long time since I have written.  I was just going through my older posts, and I can't believe it has been over FIVE months since the last time I wrote... not that I haven't written anything, just that I haven't had the courage to post...to put it all out there.

So, good news always first right?  Everyone always wants the good stuff before they have to hear about all the bad stuff.

I got a promotion at work!  I have been the new Operations Supervisor since the beginning of May.  Woohoo for moving onward and upward!

John and I closed on our house in the beginning of June!  Yep, we bought a house!  No more asking a landlord permission for anything!  We can add another furry addition to our family if we want to!  We can re-paint and change the flooring!  Which FYI, is going to happen because this house is all different shades of blue.  But I guess it could be worse right?  Could be some aweful pink and green colors that would have stopped me from moving into this house as fast as we did.  I would have had a painter come and and splash the whole place white just to get rid of the hideousness.  But blue is something I can live with 'til next year.  In the mean time, unpacking is my goal.  We have so much stuff...

and now that leads me into the bad news...

On March 2nd, my mother passed away.  I can say that the one memory that sticks out the most in my mind when she was in the hospital, is that the last things we said to each other was "I love you".  I have so many things I still want to say and because I can't say them to her now, I am at a loss for words.  I cry a lot... so much sometimes that it takes away all of my energy and I fall asleep. 

Even though I moved out of the house we lived in together for the last 4 years... I inherited all of her things... and unpacking is memory after memory of her... she's all around me.  I suppose that can be a positive process for me...reminiscing in the stories behind everything she owned.  The hard part is that I haven't been able to part with anything.  It is mostly boxed up and in the "box room" which will one day be called the guest bedroom.

Ever since my mother and I had moved in together, I had been taking care of Georgie, her golden retriever.  He's seven years old now, and I know will lose a big part of myself when he dies.  But I'm very happy that he has managed to make a play-mate out of my tabby cat, Knickers.  Knickers is nine years old, and may actually out-live Georgie.  Knickers has been mine since I rescued him in March of 2006.  These two keep me on my toes and I think remind me that it's okay to play rough every once in a while, and not to forget to have fun.

So although this isn't a long post with lots of intricate details...what I'm hoping you understand is that I have had a lot on my plate, and although I had a small LoA... I haven't forgotten to write.  I was avoiding it because I wasn't ready to face the whole truth.  And...maybe I'm still not.  But I have to start somewhere.  It definitely is going to be a long haul...

Always Looking for the Silver Lining

So starts the month of love.  The stores are stocked with hearts and chocolates, florists are gearing up for that one special day that will make their whole season worth-while.  You know which day I'm speaking of--February 14th--Valentine's Day.  The retail world really has dipped a big hand into turning this day into something more than it was ever meant to be.  It's a day of girly romantic comedy flicks... a day of hearts, hugs, and over-spending beyond our limits.  The question I usually have during this holiday is...why do we buy into this overly retailed holiday? Wasn't Christmas enough?  The commercials, the advertisements, the magazine clips...books, poetry, stories... fairy tales and happily-ever-afters.

If we were really in love...if we are so fortunate and lucky to be people who have found love in ourselves and in our lives, then having this day should be no different than any other.  Feeling special and unique...dare I say extraordinary, should be a regular occurrence.  Should be...but we get so wrapped up and preoccupied with our work and errands and responsibilities including any surprises that life than throw in just to keep us on your toes.  And we can't help but forget to take a minute away from our focus and breathe...we forget about all the little things that when they are added together help make the big picture possible.

We can't look for the silver lining...
We can't always see the best of everything.  We can, however, put our trust in faith and push forward.  When we aren't looking or expecting it, the trim will shine bright.

Maybe There's Something More

Maybe she's just crazy
But I believe she's onto something

Everything she knows is fear
And everything she believes is right here


Everything in life's for sale
And everything of value is retail

Maybe there's something more
 -Travis Lee Band


Every so often I take a look at my life and think, this is it?  What an easy way to get discouraged with my life and the journey I'm traveling through.  It's a reminder of the cliche of whether the glass is half full or half empty.  Either way, it makes me think.  I reminisce with hundreds and hundreds of photographs with a few big gaps in the more recent years, and I can't help but feel that it must've been wasted time.  I can take the easy way out with an excuse but regardless of anything that I can come up with to justify the lack of memory-making, it won't suffice.  I guess this is what people mean when I hear them talk about regret--something I always told myself I would never feel.  Regret is for people who want to punish themselves for their own choices and decisions.  I always say that this is my life and I make conscious choices, whether they turn out to be mistakes or not I will learn something from everything I do and each step in my journey.

Maybe there's something more...

Read between the lines.  I shouldn't over-analyze to the point that I'm driving myself crazy and then recounting all of the should'ves, could'ves, would'ves and the what-ifs because there could be a million different variations.  First, I make a decision and then it turns into a mistake, which I analyze to death and run through every possible scenario in my already over-worked mind and kick myself for the original decision.  And that process could take an over abundance of time which could have been spent doing something more productive... like moving onto the next step rather than festering over this one blip in time.

Maybe there's something more...

My eyes can only see so far down the road before it becomes unclear.  I can't see my future.  It isn't pre-planned and mapped to a tee.  Things happen.  How I deal and change during each transition is part of how I define myself.  It isn't about how someone else defines me... personal integrity and morale are really all that matter.

Maybe there's something more...

I have a dream to chase, a life to lead, a soul to shake.  There is definitely something more to reality than I can see with my eyes.  There is definitely something more to life than I realize right now in this second.  It isn't about waiting for things to happen, but about making my dreams happen for me... and I have so many.

My Defining Moment...My Epiphany #reverb10

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

 

To me, a defining moment is a revelation...an epiphany...that moment that the light turns on inside my head and I become fully aware of the one thing that will make everything right.  I would have to say it was the moment that I decided that enough was enough after over three years of writing and creating, and decided that it was getting me nowhere.  It was the moment that I grabbed my debit card and said to myself that I was going to buy own dot com and make it great.  It was the moment that I opened my blogspot account.

 

It was the single best decision I had ever made.  This was my defining moment...and it couldn't have come at a better time in my life.

Challenge for 2011

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. 

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together 
- Des'ree, "You Gotta Be" 

What do I want to achieve next year?

A push forward.

Into the unknown.

A challenge

overcome.

A dream

Made into a reality.

Lessons learned

Not forgotten.

Growing with grace

and letting things happen.

I imagine I will be...

fulfilled and yet anxious still.

Complete...never.

inspired formatting

One Adventurous Stop

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Photo – a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

This is a picture of me from this past summer/fall.  John and I decided to have lunch at a charming local restaurant called Mt. Fuji.  And there I am, sitting across from John, while eating squid, and simply enjoying the atmosphere.  Out of all of the pictures I've been in this year, this one stuck out the most to me... it shows that I like good company, to have fun, try new and interesting things, and take some risks while I'm at it.  

This photo is a representation of so much... for me to try new things, take some chances, embrace change, culture, and life...and everything in between.

Life is an adventure, this was just one great stop along the way...many more to come.

A rose by any other name

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

 

A rose by any other name wouldn't smell as sweet...

That's how I feel about my name.  It's been with me for 26 years, and it has really grown on me.  

Jennifer was the single most popular name for American girls from 1970 to 1984... and while I was a young girl growing up I felt a little common.  "There's another Jennifer" I would often times think to myself.  We'd have to find ways to differentiate from each other while we were in class.  I even had other Jennifer's who had the same initials as me!  You can imagine, this was frustrating to a young girl!  

Over the years, it has been less of a bother because, there might be other Jennifers out there... as it's still considered a common name...there is only one me.

As I sign my name to forms and official paperwork, I have come to feel that it's a good strong name.  Names are a huge part of our identities...it's part of my personal definition.  It isn't up in lights or on the cover of a book with the word author next to it, but Jennifer is who I am.  

Nice to meet you.