My loss will be their gain

When I was a little girl, the hokey pokey really was what it was all about.  Back when The Simpsons were still classic childish comedy, chanting bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish, and swinging higher on the swing than my sister was considered an accomplishment...and not a worry in the world. 

I wonder, only after knowing, if it's better to know the details or if it's better to go on with ignorance.  As I write the next chapter to my book...it brings back memories of a journey not easily walked through.  I know that logically it's about understanding, and as I use my writing as personal growth exercises, I know that children who will be growing into young adults will find companionship in my book.  That sense of accomplishment will be ever-so-worth-it when that day comes--when I can say: "that's my book".

Goodbye Trust. Hello Poptarts.

I've often found that it's difficult to separate myself from things that directly affect me... no matter how much I honestly and sincerely try; and no matter how much I believe and take the advice that I should go about my business and not get involved, even mentally.  

I've been backed into a corner, and forced into acceptance and toleration.  I've rolled every scenario in my mind, but of course when someone I have to trust tells me that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I feel like my hands are tied.

I'm perplexed and completely dumbfounded in the idea of trust.  Trust is a reward from integrity and personal ethics.  I didn't award trust on merit or my own good judgment, but on the judgment of others who I trust to guide me in my path and through my learning curve. 

I am still lost in this maze without a sighting of light to shine indicating an end is drawing near. 

Goodbye Means See You Later...

I never thought about not growing up... though I foolishly believed in all of those fairytale stories and the happily ever after endings.  No one ever tells you that time will go by so fast you don't even realize it until it's gone, or that you will have to say goodbye to more people than you want to let go of and lose.

I've thought a lot about the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder, so if goodbye simply meant "see you later" then I was able to find some strength and courage in myself...and had faith in the thought that goodbye wasn't forever.

I had to learn about life and death, heartache and pain at such a young age.

My grandma went into the hospital, and when she fell into a coma we knew it was going to happen.  After I lost her I told my mother, straight from the heart of a seven-year-old: "by the time you get old, they will have invented a pill for you to live forever" because then the most important person in my life would always be there for me.

A few years later, my grandpa died... and in my heart I believe he died of loneliness.  Although I knew he would be alone a lot, and regardless of all the many hours I spent with him because my grandma was gone... he knew, and I knew that something, or rather someone was missing.  It was the first true evidence I had witnessed to someone dying of loneliness.  

But death isn't something we can control...life runs its course, and death inevitably follows.  No matter how afraid, or hurt, or sad we become, our strength and courage must overcome that.  And although we find it difficult to accept that someone's life has been lived, we do find comfort in knowing they won't feel anymore pain.  They won't feel anymore heartache or worry and for a reason we can't ever think of, they were meant to go.  And my comfort is in knowing my grandparents are together again and neither of them have to be alone.

I always said, if only I could've said goodbye...  But the truth is that we never want to say goodbye.  We want one more moment, one more breath, just one more hug...the touch of their hand and the sound of their laughter.

Time is the most precious gift we can give each other...

And it isn't about letting go of the people they were or the memories I made with them...

And just like a dear friend one said: goodbye can still mean, see you later.

A clean turn on cobblestones

I've been wanting to write this post for a few days, but just couldn't seem to find the right words or enough time to write them while knowing that this post could have ended up being  both overly dramatic and absolutely irrelevant at the same time. These past few months have been a series of losses and gains. Inevitably, I’ve lost some friends to the call of greener pastures, and while that was happening...realizing that I have to let some go in order to keep and be able to hold onto the ones I hold so dear to my heart.
Those who know me understand that I am not a social being, reaching the point of being completely antisocial at times. As such, I don’t look for people and I am usually perfectly happy being alone. 

I also learned that giving a damn is actually a really exhausting activity. Growing up, I decided that caring and expecting something from anything or anybody usually lead to disappointment. In a way, it has been the mantra of my life until this point. I strove to take everything lightly and believed that exerting little to no effort in anything bears the greatest rewards. Imagine my surprise when I found out that I completely failed in my attempt to not get attached to things. When the waterworks happened, I knew that I was doomed.
Friendship, it seems, mattered to me more than I thought it did.  It also made me reassess the importance of people in my life. Despite my idealized perception on being on an island, it seems that it isn’t for me or, even if it is, I have reached the point that I cannot possibly believe that anymore.

When everything I'm doing falls into place and keeps going the right way, I get incredibly caught up in the process of success and overwhelming sense of accomplishment.  Time just seems to fly right past me, and no sooner do I turn around to take notice of all that has passed me by that I notice all that I've been missing while my successes have swept me away from some of the things and people whom I cherish.

I feel the intense need to apologize to friends who I let slip away, and while I do, they tell me that there is no need...and reassurance settles that no matter how much time or distance is in between, that it won't change our relationship. 

"If you don't fall in love, you can't get hurt."

"If you don't expect anything, you can't reach disappointment."

"If you don't breathe, you can't live."

It was that last sentence that I heard that gave me a reminder of the person I used to be, social or not.  I chose to live more and worry later.  But instead of trying to figure out what happened and why, and conducting some soul searching and worrying about how I simply missed a turn somewhere... it's cleaner to have a revitalized starting point: with more energy, drive, and motivation for myself and not splitting into so many different directions that the slivers are too thin to show any real sense of noticeable accomplishment.

Wow Yourself, That's All That Matters

I have found it fairly easy to move forward and virtually forget about my high school years.  Those years spent changing schools, packing up all of my stuff, saying goodbye... it felt so routine and without a lot of emotional turmoil that leaving "home" for college couldn't have been an easier step for me to take.  And now, with all the time that has passed me by, high school has become a faded memory that I only have a mere moment's worth of a reminder when someone's birthday comes around the corner or when I hear about homecoming during this time of year.  And I have this vision of a homecoming football game: the coach yelling, cheerleaders jumping, spectators and fans screaming from the bleachers... that was a time when winning that game meant more than anything.

My place in all of the excitement... was as a fan.  I sat on the sidelines and watched all of the craziness.  This could have very possibly been my first clue that I was a quiet introvert, and very much my first step in figuring myself out.  That is a journey that I still don't believe is complete.  I mean, here I am 10 years later and I am still trying to make sense of all the craziness that I see, hear, and experience... and sometimes, get thrown into.  And at times I still feel my head spinning... and what happens when your head spins for too long, you lose your balance and fall down.  I have to reassure myself that I can pick myself back up again and keep pushing, motivating, and inspiring myself... keeping my eyes open...

I won't allow myself to forget the drive, passion, and love I have to keep myself going no matter how much these things seem to work against me.  With a wish, a hope, a prayer, a dream... a dream where everything can be so much simpler, easier, and within fingertip's reach, but always more than an arm length away.  Attaining victory is always and will always be the most invigorating feeling, and nothing can surpass that.  My victory is to attain all the teeny goals I set in front of myself, and the ability to look behind myself afterwords and say wow.

Step back into reality

I've met so many different people over the years, but I stop and wonder and question, although never out loud, why most women I meet are simply in the market to land a man.  I've heard women say that they're only half a person until they find their other half, their soul mate, true love... it's as if life doesn't really begin until they have a ring on their finger or get escorted down the aisle to begin this new life with two people as one.

Don't misunderstand what I'm saying...relationships are great, especially when you get to share your life with someone...sharing your hopes, dreams, fears, goals, and every spark of greatness and disappointment, failure and triumph... but what happened to the independent, strong-willed women?  I know they are out there, it just seems that with every corner I turn, and every new woman I acquaint myself with have such a view of relying on a man. I won't be happy until I have a man by my side. 

If a woman relies solely on a man, she tends to lose herself in the relationship...forgetting self worth and appreciation.  I met a very sweet girl a few years ago who graduated from college with honors and said it was just for a backup plan in case she didn't get married.  And that explanation shocked me because I thought of what a waste an intellectual mind truly is in her case.  It reminds me of the remake of the movie Stepford Wives.  Every single woman who lived in the community was an intellectual woman who did very well for herself and each one was brainwashed into being a gorgeous, happy, peppy housewife who waited on their husbands hand and foot.  It's because of movies like that one that make me stop and think about the fact that society hasn't changed a whole lot over the years.  Obviously men love to be pampered and waited on as the so called king of the castle.

I don't completely comprehend why it is that women have this notion that happiness is only achieved after finding and marrying a man...catching and keeping him always.  There's a tone in their voice(s) that exhibits self doubt in attaining happiness before they meet someone worth sharing it all with. 

The best advice I've ever received is true for everyone, not just for men, not just for women...no one out there wants to wind up with someone who isn't successful or motivated in their own way.  Confidence is the biggest attraction across the board and even having an ounce of self doubt or harboring of a self esteem issue can easily turn away the opposite sex.  However, attracting someone is usually done at the most inopportune time.  If a guy doesn't like me in my sweats with my hair pulled back and no makeup on my face, then he isn't worth my time.  Comfy clothing choices aren't what defines ability or intellect.


Women shouldn't think that their lives are going to stop or fall apart because they are without a man.  If a man cheats, it's his conscience that suffers, it's his worth and value that depreciates.  If he walks away, it's his loss and a mistake he must live with in regret of what he left.  Women beat themselves up over being alone and allow themselves to fall into some kind of depression because they are not accompanied by a man who makes her complete.  We are not in the movie Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger "you complete me".  Life is a lot harsher than that and regardless of how memorable a movie is because it exhibits what we want to see and hear, when the movie is over we must step back into reality.

Blogging my footprint

Five years ago, if I had looked ahead to today I definitely would not have thought I would be where I am.  And I remember five years ago... I had flown myself to England on British Airways and journeyed through the best three months of picture taking, researching, traveling, singing, laughing, cocktailing... and planned every part of my life out... getting my MA in Boston, living with and marrying (what I thought was) the love of my life, and growing my own roots as I write and publish stories I longed to have on pages in a book on a shelf in a book store with a publisher's mark on the inside of the first page.

I was so naive that I couldn't recognize the signs that were right in front of me telling me that this was not the path that was meant for me.  I didn't have a choice but to join the work zone: three piece suits, stockings, pumps...the whole shabang.  And working day-in and day-out with the same eight people led me to the realization that I hated being bolted to a desk.  Retail management was calling my name.

This was just after I had broken off my relationship of four and a half years, and instead of blaming myself and throwing myself into a pit of depression, regret, and remorse, I knew that I needed to fill my time and energy with something better.  And what better to fill all that time with than surrounding myself with people?  Nine times out of ten, when someone smiles at you the immediate thoughtless reaction is to smile back, and that's exactly the medicine I needed.

The mystery and adventure of retail is that I never know what I am going to get myself into, with every customer complaint, issue, resolution...fulfilling every duty, completing every task on the list that only grows even as I check them off in order of priority.  A department store is an animal in its own retail species, and any time of year there is so much hustle and bustle, but the holiday season is so incredibly insane--not just for one day, although that one day, just after thanksgiving, is a day to grit my teeth and bear it.  I escaped that jungle a year ago, and although I am still in retail management I have the time and energy to read, write, imagine, create, discover and document my journey through life.  I have the time to stop and smell the roses, if you will.

Of course, with help and support along the way has helped me move slowly in the right direction.  Regardless of all of the setbacks or hindering that stood in my way, I managed to move past all of the bad and allow myself to change and grow through my bumpy journey.

You see, five years ago, and the journey through those five years I felt like I was never going to get my chance, my break, to give the time I needed to be able to give to my writing.  And as I lost touch with myself, I starting thinking what a failure I had become.  I wasn't simply procrastinating, I actually started believing I couldn't write anymore with the personal style, flare, and hoohaa that I grew while in college. 

And here I sit, writing and illustrating my book, enjoying life's challenges, and blogging my footprint into the world.