Blogging my footprint

Five years ago, if I had looked ahead to today I definitely would not have thought I would be where I am.  And I remember five years ago... I had flown myself to England on British Airways and journeyed through the best three months of picture taking, researching, traveling, singing, laughing, cocktailing... and planned every part of my life out... getting my MA in Boston, living with and marrying (what I thought was) the love of my life, and growing my own roots as I write and publish stories I longed to have on pages in a book on a shelf in a book store with a publisher's mark on the inside of the first page.

I was so naive that I couldn't recognize the signs that were right in front of me telling me that this was not the path that was meant for me.  I didn't have a choice but to join the work zone: three piece suits, stockings, pumps...the whole shabang.  And working day-in and day-out with the same eight people led me to the realization that I hated being bolted to a desk.  Retail management was calling my name.

This was just after I had broken off my relationship of four and a half years, and instead of blaming myself and throwing myself into a pit of depression, regret, and remorse, I knew that I needed to fill my time and energy with something better.  And what better to fill all that time with than surrounding myself with people?  Nine times out of ten, when someone smiles at you the immediate thoughtless reaction is to smile back, and that's exactly the medicine I needed.

The mystery and adventure of retail is that I never know what I am going to get myself into, with every customer complaint, issue, resolution...fulfilling every duty, completing every task on the list that only grows even as I check them off in order of priority.  A department store is an animal in its own retail species, and any time of year there is so much hustle and bustle, but the holiday season is so incredibly insane--not just for one day, although that one day, just after thanksgiving, is a day to grit my teeth and bear it.  I escaped that jungle a year ago, and although I am still in retail management I have the time and energy to read, write, imagine, create, discover and document my journey through life.  I have the time to stop and smell the roses, if you will.

Of course, with help and support along the way has helped me move slowly in the right direction.  Regardless of all of the setbacks or hindering that stood in my way, I managed to move past all of the bad and allow myself to change and grow through my bumpy journey.

You see, five years ago, and the journey through those five years I felt like I was never going to get my chance, my break, to give the time I needed to be able to give to my writing.  And as I lost touch with myself, I starting thinking what a failure I had become.  I wasn't simply procrastinating, I actually started believing I couldn't write anymore with the personal style, flare, and hoohaa that I grew while in college. 

And here I sit, writing and illustrating my book, enjoying life's challenges, and blogging my footprint into the world.

Back-to-School

I had mostly forgotten what this time of year was like when parents and kids are frantic to buy all of the school supplies they need before the first day back.  "Look Mom, pencils for 10 cents!"  "I want book socks!"  And seeing some of the kids  pull on their parents' hands to rush into the aisles, and then other parents pulling their kids along while everyone is after the same supplies. 

I feel this event is like Christmas in the department store.  Because at the end of the night, after the door has been locked, and we turn around to face the mess, we are in awe of how torn apart the store has become.  And we know that regardless of how perfect we make it right now, it will be this way again tomorrow.

Watching the wild

A few days ago I noticed a cute yellow and black bird hopping around my yard.  Today, while writing the beginning to the fourth chapter in my book, I saw the same bird again perched on the electrical wires connected to my house.  It makes me want to go out right now and get a bird feeder and hang it from the ginormous tree in my front yard.

Who knew I would become such an avid bird watcher?

I never really could get into people watching, but for some reason bird watching really fascinates me.

searching

Like a needle in the hay stack...

Though, the way I heard it...it would be like searching the corners of the earth with a lit candle.

creative places, creative spaces

It's so important to have a space to create in--a space to call my own that I can write, draw, and reflect on the past, decisions, reasons, and growth in my personal journey. Inspiration is often so hard to come by, or find in my own life and my own work.  The buzz of a text message interruption, the beep of the alarm clock that awakes me from a dream I can only have while nestled in my comforter and surrounded by my eight pillows atop the queen bed in the bedroom. 

The drawer filled with parts of ideas, epiphanies gone stale, and a passion put to temporary rest.  A pantry closet which houses memory books and chunks of my life that are so far behind me that no matter how much I organize them, and re-place them in some kind of order, doesn't change their existence.

No matter how much I agree with the idea that every past has shaped my present and future, and hand pick the good out of all the bad, the bad is still there.  And so, I take each piece, every part into my pocket, instead of on my sleeve where all can see it, and believe that out of the past couple of decades, I can tap into the creative space at my own pace and reflect--to continue on my journey.

integrity is never a sacrifice

Great opportunity often comes with great sacrifice.  We always hear about great success stories, and positive changes, but we don't always hear the whole story.  I mean, let's face it, how often do we actually believe we hear the whole story?  There's so much suffering and hardship...life isn't as black and white as what some claim it to be.  It isn't just the survival of the fittest, good and bad decisions, right and wrong choices.  We can easily feel regret and remorse, even if it immediately follows the decision made, but the most important part is learning the lesson.

Who would have thought that lessons are still out there to be learned after school is over?  I thought after the thousands of hours I put into school and learning over the years, not to mention the thousands of dollars spent on a college education, that the lessons were over and it was time to exemplify everything I learned all these years.

But, every day we grow and change.  And every day we have a little more knowledge than the one before, and a little stronger.  And although there is a lot of sacrifice involved, one thing never to be included is personal integrity.

and the rain stops

Last night, just as we were wrapping up in the last hour at my store, the rain began--drip, drip became a sprinkle, then the thunder overhead.  before the night was over, the raindrops became more frequent--we couldn't walk in-between them anymore as they caught up with our strides.  I fell asleep last night to the sound of rain hitting my windows and the wind carrying it across the rooftop.  None to my surprise, the rain carried on into the morning.  It wasn't until an hour ago that I noticed the rain stopped, and the sky overhead was blue and clear, and the sun was shining.

It's a reminder of all the cliches of hope: light at the end of the tunnel, sunshine after the storm, and a smile after the tears.  But it's because of those thoughts we have hope sprung out.