The Book... My Heart

A bunch of sketches in a book...
A bunch of ideas and thoughts jotted in a spiral notebook...

It has been six years, and still no where near being finished...

Expecting the Unexpected

 

A little girl looks up to her mother as she is the most amazing person in the world.  She sees her as the one who can do anything. 


She can kiss an ouchy and make it feel better.

A mother can blow her breath on steamy hot food and make the temperature just right.

She sings "Do-Re-Mi" from The Sound of Music while washing your hair.

She can scold and love at the same time.

She is there when you call her from half way around the world because you're home sick.

Just the sound of her voice makes everything better.  Knowing she is in the next room while you sleep gives you security.

Children usually tell their parents that when they grow up they want to be something that makes their parents proud of them.
When I was a little girl I would tell her that when I grew up I would invent a pill that would enable her to live forever.

And I never expected to lose my mother at 26... but I did.

I didn't see it coming. 

I wasn't prepared for any of it.

And not a day goes by that I don't think about it... about her...

And I can only hope that a piece of her is in me, that I can pass down to my children. 
Because I would be so lucky...

A year has already flown right past me.  A whole year...
...and yet only a fraction of the time that will pass me by without a mother.

I've been told by many different people in different points in my life to expect the unexpected and no matter how many times I hear that phrase, and the context... I realize that we can expect it, but we cannot be prepared for it.

When Valentine's Day meant...

When Valentine's Day meant giving your entire class a mini Valentine's card with Pooh and Piglet or Mickey and Minnie on the front and a piece of candy that most often was a heart shaped lollipop.

When Valentine's Day meant taking a regular piece of paper, folding it in half, and writing a roses are red poem followed by I love you written at the end with about a hundred exclamation points after it... because back then my mother told me that all the exclamation points meant that was the indicator of how much I loved her.

Before cable television became really big, and commercials and advertisements ruined this love filled day...
Before life became complicated and it became more than just giving a box of chocolates or sweethearts to someone who made you smile and giggle.

It's not about gifts and spending tons of money...
Although, the creativity does make the difference...
Like when someone gives you a box, and inside is the world.

Or when someone bakes your favorite cake and carves it into a heart...

And you know that those things that they do sprung from their love...their unconditional and positively never-changing, never-ending love.

We remind ourselves of what Valentine's Day meant before, and hope that it can still be about creativity and throughtfulness, unconditional love and sweetness.

Searching...

I'm constantly searching...

for answers...
for a way to heal...
for a way to cope...
for a way to believe that it'll all be okay...
for a way to know...


I'm constantly wanting, looking, and thinking about how hard it is to move forward while knowing such a big part of me is missing.

Advice from friends and colleagues that it will be okay, and it'll get better... it'll become easier...
And I wonder how.  That's a question that still doesn't have an answer, and may never have an answer.  Maybe there is an infinite number of answers, and not a single one is the right one.

I can more easily say that I understand how my mother felt when her mother passed away.  And I think about everything she was able to share with her, that I won't be able to share with my mother.
Walking down the aisle in a white gown...
Bringing children into the world...
Shopping together, and knowing she would always give an honest opinion...
Laughing and crying...
Arguing in Yiddish while people stare in confusion...
And always making up no matter how horrible the words are...
Watching our "chick flick" movies together while I fell asleep on her bed...

And even as I sit here, I think about how she would console me.  The things she would say and how she looked.  And I hope I never forget any of it.

Never reaching enough

I often procrastinate when I don't want to face a project that I know I need to work on, but just don't have the nerve and the guts to actually put out the effort and the energy.  I think to myself that I can take care of it later and I convince myself that it's okay to do that.  I wind up making it a habit, and then I look back on all the time that has gone by and I think about how fast all that time went, day after day, month after month or repeated procrastination.

My mother passed away in March and in the beginning of June, John and I closed on our new house.  I was lucky enough that I had some pretty amazing friends come over and not just help me move everything, but they went into my mother's bedroom and closet and packed everything up and put it all into boxes so that I wouldn't have to deal with sorting and organizing her clothing, bedding, linens, etc.

The hard part now is actually opening the boxes and going through everything.  It has been about six months since she passed away, and I still haven't brought myself to the point where I can go through her things.  I just keep organizing and re-organizing everything in hopes that it will all eventually fit into smaller spaces.  Realistically I know that won't happen, but a girl can dream can't she?

I've been told that if I can't identify a box's contents by looking at the unopened box, then that means what is inside wasn't a necessity and that I should be able to just get rid of it.  Of course, I don't think that's a good idea.  I'm not a hoarder, but I'm also not the type to waste things that could have been used by someone.

Maybe the reason it's so hard for me to let go of everything is because I don't want to let go of my mother.  Maybe because there are so many things I still want to say to her and can't.  Maybe it's because I know I'll never hear her voice again, or see her face again.  Maybe it's because I know I can't change anything that has already happened.  Maybe it's because every time I think of her, I remember all of her sacrifice and I remember how long it had been since I said "thank you" to her for things she did for me, and advice she gave me when she knew I needed it without my having to ask.

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we’re dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone and angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls if we could in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

Right now, I'm in the angry stage.  And it's not the same for everyone because I depict anger as more rage inclusive.  I get so angry with myself that I cry.  And I don't know how many tears I may have to cry before my body thinks it has been enough.  I may never reach enough.

When everything smells of cinnamon

When I'm stressed or lonely or need some comfort in the moment, I bake.  And I don't just bake a few cookies or one two layered cake, and I would never dream of making one apple pie or just one baking pan of brownies.

There's been a lot of loneliness and depression lately, so needless to say that quite a few pies, cakes, and cookies have come out of my kitchen over the last couple of months.

This cake takes a long time to make because of all of the individual layers, but tastes very moist and has the capability of fulfilling any sized sweet spot.

I also ventured into baking peanut butter blossoms for the first time, and if I do say so myself, they turned out quite nicely:

And then there were the apple pies with crumb topping.  They were such a big hit that they didn't last long enough to take nice photos of them.  It took longer to prepare and bake than it took for them to disappear into people's stomachs.

I've always made time during the holiday season to bake and I try to make at least one new thing every year.  The most time consuming one year was chocolate covered gummy bears.  I also learned to make a low fat and low cholesterol pumpkin bread and a banana bread.

And one thing to remember about me and my baking habits... I add cinnamon to absolutely positively everything... pies, cakes, cookies, breads... And of course, everything smells better with cinnamon. 

A Long Haul



It has been a long time since I have written.  I was just going through my older posts, and I can't believe it has been over FIVE months since the last time I wrote... not that I haven't written anything, just that I haven't had the courage to post...to put it all out there.

So, good news always first right?  Everyone always wants the good stuff before they have to hear about all the bad stuff.

I got a promotion at work!  I have been the new Operations Supervisor since the beginning of May.  Woohoo for moving onward and upward!

John and I closed on our house in the beginning of June!  Yep, we bought a house!  No more asking a landlord permission for anything!  We can add another furry addition to our family if we want to!  We can re-paint and change the flooring!  Which FYI, is going to happen because this house is all different shades of blue.  But I guess it could be worse right?  Could be some aweful pink and green colors that would have stopped me from moving into this house as fast as we did.  I would have had a painter come and and splash the whole place white just to get rid of the hideousness.  But blue is something I can live with 'til next year.  In the mean time, unpacking is my goal.  We have so much stuff...

and now that leads me into the bad news...

On March 2nd, my mother passed away.  I can say that the one memory that sticks out the most in my mind when she was in the hospital, is that the last things we said to each other was "I love you".  I have so many things I still want to say and because I can't say them to her now, I am at a loss for words.  I cry a lot... so much sometimes that it takes away all of my energy and I fall asleep. 

Even though I moved out of the house we lived in together for the last 4 years... I inherited all of her things... and unpacking is memory after memory of her... she's all around me.  I suppose that can be a positive process for me...reminiscing in the stories behind everything she owned.  The hard part is that I haven't been able to part with anything.  It is mostly boxed up and in the "box room" which will one day be called the guest bedroom.

Ever since my mother and I had moved in together, I had been taking care of Georgie, her golden retriever.  He's seven years old now, and I know will lose a big part of myself when he dies.  But I'm very happy that he has managed to make a play-mate out of my tabby cat, Knickers.  Knickers is nine years old, and may actually out-live Georgie.  Knickers has been mine since I rescued him in March of 2006.  These two keep me on my toes and I think remind me that it's okay to play rough every once in a while, and not to forget to have fun.

So although this isn't a long post with lots of intricate details...what I'm hoping you understand is that I have had a lot on my plate, and although I had a small LoA... I haven't forgotten to write.  I was avoiding it because I wasn't ready to face the whole truth.  And...maybe I'm still not.  But I have to start somewhere.  It definitely is going to be a long haul...

Always Looking for the Silver Lining

So starts the month of love.  The stores are stocked with hearts and chocolates, florists are gearing up for that one special day that will make their whole season worth-while.  You know which day I'm speaking of--February 14th--Valentine's Day.  The retail world really has dipped a big hand into turning this day into something more than it was ever meant to be.  It's a day of girly romantic comedy flicks... a day of hearts, hugs, and over-spending beyond our limits.  The question I usually have during this holiday is...why do we buy into this overly retailed holiday? Wasn't Christmas enough?  The commercials, the advertisements, the magazine clips...books, poetry, stories... fairy tales and happily-ever-afters.

If we were really in love...if we are so fortunate and lucky to be people who have found love in ourselves and in our lives, then having this day should be no different than any other.  Feeling special and unique...dare I say extraordinary, should be a regular occurrence.  Should be...but we get so wrapped up and preoccupied with our work and errands and responsibilities including any surprises that life than throw in just to keep us on your toes.  And we can't help but forget to take a minute away from our focus and breathe...we forget about all the little things that when they are added together help make the big picture possible.

We can't look for the silver lining...
We can't always see the best of everything.  We can, however, put our trust in faith and push forward.  When we aren't looking or expecting it, the trim will shine bright.

Maybe There's Something More

Maybe she's just crazy
But I believe she's onto something

Everything she knows is fear
And everything she believes is right here


Everything in life's for sale
And everything of value is retail

Maybe there's something more
 -Travis Lee Band


Every so often I take a look at my life and think, this is it?  What an easy way to get discouraged with my life and the journey I'm traveling through.  It's a reminder of the cliche of whether the glass is half full or half empty.  Either way, it makes me think.  I reminisce with hundreds and hundreds of photographs with a few big gaps in the more recent years, and I can't help but feel that it must've been wasted time.  I can take the easy way out with an excuse but regardless of anything that I can come up with to justify the lack of memory-making, it won't suffice.  I guess this is what people mean when I hear them talk about regret--something I always told myself I would never feel.  Regret is for people who want to punish themselves for their own choices and decisions.  I always say that this is my life and I make conscious choices, whether they turn out to be mistakes or not I will learn something from everything I do and each step in my journey.

Maybe there's something more...

Read between the lines.  I shouldn't over-analyze to the point that I'm driving myself crazy and then recounting all of the should'ves, could'ves, would'ves and the what-ifs because there could be a million different variations.  First, I make a decision and then it turns into a mistake, which I analyze to death and run through every possible scenario in my already over-worked mind and kick myself for the original decision.  And that process could take an over abundance of time which could have been spent doing something more productive... like moving onto the next step rather than festering over this one blip in time.

Maybe there's something more...

My eyes can only see so far down the road before it becomes unclear.  I can't see my future.  It isn't pre-planned and mapped to a tee.  Things happen.  How I deal and change during each transition is part of how I define myself.  It isn't about how someone else defines me... personal integrity and morale are really all that matter.

Maybe there's something more...

I have a dream to chase, a life to lead, a soul to shake.  There is definitely something more to reality than I can see with my eyes.  There is definitely something more to life than I realize right now in this second.  It isn't about waiting for things to happen, but about making my dreams happen for me... and I have so many.

My Defining Moment...My Epiphany #reverb10

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

 

To me, a defining moment is a revelation...an epiphany...that moment that the light turns on inside my head and I become fully aware of the one thing that will make everything right.  I would have to say it was the moment that I decided that enough was enough after over three years of writing and creating, and decided that it was getting me nowhere.  It was the moment that I grabbed my debit card and said to myself that I was going to buy own dot com and make it great.  It was the moment that I opened my blogspot account.

 

It was the single best decision I had ever made.  This was my defining moment...and it couldn't have come at a better time in my life.

Challenge for 2011

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. 

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together 
- Des'ree, "You Gotta Be" 

What do I want to achieve next year?

A push forward.

Into the unknown.

A challenge

overcome.

A dream

Made into a reality.

Lessons learned

Not forgotten.

Growing with grace

and letting things happen.

I imagine I will be...

fulfilled and yet anxious still.

Complete...never.

inspired formatting

One Adventurous Stop

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Photo – a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

This is a picture of me from this past summer/fall.  John and I decided to have lunch at a charming local restaurant called Mt. Fuji.  And there I am, sitting across from John, while eating squid, and simply enjoying the atmosphere.  Out of all of the pictures I've been in this year, this one stuck out the most to me... it shows that I like good company, to have fun, try new and interesting things, and take some risks while I'm at it.  

This photo is a representation of so much... for me to try new things, take some chances, embrace change, culture, and life...and everything in between.

Life is an adventure, this was just one great stop along the way...many more to come.

A rose by any other name

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

 

A rose by any other name wouldn't smell as sweet...

That's how I feel about my name.  It's been with me for 26 years, and it has really grown on me.  

Jennifer was the single most popular name for American girls from 1970 to 1984... and while I was a young girl growing up I felt a little common.  "There's another Jennifer" I would often times think to myself.  We'd have to find ways to differentiate from each other while we were in class.  I even had other Jennifer's who had the same initials as me!  You can imagine, this was frustrating to a young girl!  

Over the years, it has been less of a bother because, there might be other Jennifers out there... as it's still considered a common name...there is only one me.

As I sign my name to forms and official paperwork, I have come to feel that it's a good strong name.  Names are a huge part of our identities...it's part of my personal definition.  It isn't up in lights or on the cover of a book with the word author next to it, but Jennifer is who I am.  

Nice to meet you.

Past footsteps and Future jetstreams

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? 

 

I hadn't had a vacation, a real and true vacation since I graduated from college.  Life was spinning so fast that I could never seem to stop and take in some rest and relaxation... that is until this past summer.  I was so young when my family used to go to the beach that I didn't have any memories of it, well except for drinking the ocean water... it's funny the little bits of memories we have from our infant and early toddler years.

 

So in late May of this year, I went down to Chincoteague, Virginia with good company...picked seashells from the shore, felt the sand between my toes and the wind in my face... got a really bad sun burn on my shoulders and watched some of the most breath-taking sunsets.  It was a birdwatcher's paradise and was just what I needed after an incredibly long bump in the road.

Next year a trip a little further from home is in the works.  I will be traveling to the other side of the country to spend time with someone who I miss terribly.  You know that saying, "you don't know what you have until it's gone"?  Well I like to think I knew what I had (and still have) in her...she has changed titles a couple of times... she was, once upon a time, my boss and now she's my confidant and my friend.  I am so excited that I get to see her again next spring!

You can take pictures with friends and the places you've been together, but how they touch your life and your heart cannot be captured in a photograph.  And you can still carry them with you always.

Advice long overdue, but not too late

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

Dear Jenn,

If you are reading this letter, that means you are in your junior year in high school, just one year after you had to pack up whatever special things you could cram into your dad's green Toyota Camry and leave the only home you ever knew.  The room you called your own, and the house filled with memories, good and bad, are left behind as you move 1600 miles away from your best friend--the one you passed notes with in the halls, and ate lunch with every day.  Stay strong through this long transition, it's a hard one and no one can be there for you, but remember that you have a resilient heart and a strong will.  You inherited those from your grandma.  As many a nights as you drench your pillows with your tears, it won't change your new journey and all the challenges and hurdles that will be placed in front of you.

As diligent as you are about keeping your friends close, regardless of those 1600 miles, with your phone calls and letters every week, the friendship will fade.  As persistent and hopeful as you are in your heart, existence of tangibility will be the deciding factor.  You two will grow apart as you go off to college and move forward with your dreams.  Don't forget the years you spent together as you grow apart; and reminisce in the times you did your history homework together after school every day, and talked on the phone after dinner most nights about what to wear to school the next day and the book choices in English.

When you go off to college in a couple of years, you'll meet some of the most amazing people.  You'll make some everlasting friendships, and others that find their end sooner than you would hope for.  You will learn about yourself spiritually, energetically, mentally, and emotionally.  You aren't very open to people who wish to push their religious beliefs on you, but keep your ears open and be true to yourself.  Make your decisions wisely and don't be so hard on yourself.  We all make mistakes...it's apart of being human.  Don't search so much for other people's forgiveness, but be fulfilled with your own. 

You will fall in love and with each time you go home to visit him during breaks from college, you will realize that you two are headed in very different directions.  Learn from the experience--that you are capable of loving someone with your entire heart, and that at that moment you feel he is deserving of every ounce.  Eventually you will say goodbye with grace... and you will learn to let yourself love again.

As you become more involved with your various commitments, remember to stop and breathe.  You will accomplish a lot and you don't want to get yourself burned out from over-exerting your energy.  Don't let yourself get lost.  Don't forget who you are.  You are sweet and honest.  But you are filled with so much doubt and fear.  Don't be afraid because with every hurdle you overcome, there is something amazing waiting for you on the other side.

You will journey outside of the country, to England... as scary as it sounds... you will be not just miles away from home, but across an ocean.  This experience will change you, shake you to the core because you will find out what it means to be alone, and learn so much about yourself.  You will become acquainted with people across all faiths and cultures, and travel through historic locations... and become filled with inspiration and charm.

You will go through job changes as the economy falls and rises.  You will meet so many people, explore friendships and relationships, and find intimacy and love from people you may not have met, had your path not been paved with these bumps and turns. You will experience hardship and loss; remember to keep your head up and and that you're a strong cookie.

Don't close your heart off.  Take risks, and take comfort in the unknown instead of fearing it.  Embrace the quiet, and inspiration as it comes.  Don't try to force things to happen--they will happen with time.  Be patient and above all be proud of yourself.  You will accomplish so much.  I, for one, am very proud of you.

Love Always,
Jenn

In my lap and by my side

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

Over the past couple of months I have been processing cat adoption applications.  My job in that role is to dig as deep as I can without becoming too intrusive.  Finding out their morals, values, ethics, responsibility levels, and to answer the "why now" question as opposed to sooner than now or later than now.  There was one applicant that really hit my heart.  I learned about her family's turmoil in recent loss of not just one, but two close family members.  This got me thinking about how therapeutic animals really are for us.  That really was my decision-maker.

It made me think about how much I've gone through this year, and how every time I was upset in some way, shape, or form my beautiful puppy or my wonderful kitty were there for me.  I'd be laying on the couch watching a movie and Georgie, my puppy, would come over and lay down next to me, then put his head up on the couch and look at me with his big brown eyes, almost telling me that he knows something isn't right.  Or I could be sitting on my bed writing into the abyss on my laptop and my kitty would sit facing me and then really lightly touch my arm with his paw and then bend down and lick the spot he had just touched.

Those two are the only ones I can truly say have been there for me through every little thing.  It reminds me now on a regular basis of how healing it has truly been to have them in my life...

 

 

Georgie nudging his nose under my left arm with his cute attempts to get me to pay him attention...

My kitty curling up next to me, sleeping on my pillows every night.

(Side Note: My kitty's name on his adoption papers is Knickers, however, he has never responded to that.  He also never responded to the name he had before I adopted him--Yoda.  He does respond to my calling him Kitty though.)

The answer to this question is... Georgie and Knickers.

Even as I write this post, my kitty sits in my lap with his front paws curling around my arm as he looks up at me and nudges my chin and my face.  I couldn't ask for anything better.

Big goals, small woman

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

 

I've learned a lot about myself, and am always learning new things as I come into different situations and meet interesting and colorful people.  I've definitely learned how far my patience can be stretched...so thin that it's 100% transparent and can burst at any moment.  And I've learned at how well I keep it together without losing my composure.  Of course, afterward I have an overwhelming need to scream.  

Maybe I'm just reminded of this because of busy season number two.  The first busy season is in the fall for back-to-school, and then in the winter for Christmas shopping, which is where I am now.  I almost can't wait for the season to be over.  Although, I would like to be able to enjoy the winter season...it's so beautiful.  The snow falls, lights twinkling, soft music plays... wrapping Christmas gifts, curling up in a thermal blanket, and drinking tea and hot cocoa.  I do believe that I will be needing a long weekend off after the season is over.

 

I keep stretching myself so thin that I haven't found the time to put up my Christmas tree.  And I have this short term goal of putting my Christmas tree together and decorated pre-Christmas.  The time went by so quickly between Thanksgiving and now.  And I know that it will be that way over the next few weeks.

 

In the new year, I will be taking everything I learned about my temper's fuse, my ability to hold my composure--regardless of how fast or hard my heart beats at severe irritation and frustration--and know that there is always room for improvement.  And it isn't just about understanding when and how to be calm and patient, but more importantly about not getting to that point.  

 

Each year begins anew in some way.  It can be a new beginning, a fresh start, and a promise to less being more.  There are millions of resolutions made during the new year, and this could easy be made into some big goal that although I have the intention and it's in my heart...over the course of the year, resolutions and promises become foggy and disappear...out of sight, out of mind.

 

So I don't want to make a big goal for myself... I will keep the lesson with me that I can scream or cry if I need to instead of bottling it up day after day...I can sleep longer hours as I need them...it's more important to be refreshed and rejuvenated.  And the rest will follow...soothing demeanor, and a strong presence.

 

Four Days of a ReVerbist, Catching Up!

 

 

 

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt(s)

December 12 – Body Integration.  This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I have to admit, there hasn't been a time this year that I truly felt alive... you know, that feeling that absolutely everything is right in your life... and that my mind and body weren't as separate as they seem to be.  Such a thought provoking suggestion...and although this is probably a healthy question, it's not something I aspire for in my life.  I think that sometimes, in order to understand ourselves, we must be able to separate the ideas of mind and body. 

If I didn't know where one part of me began and another part of me ended, I might wind up losing myself.  It has taken me a long time to understand my own quirks and lessons that my life has had the pleasure of learning in the most difficult ways this year.

I may not be living life to the fullest, and I may not be content with my life either, but isn't that what it is supposed to be?  Never settling, always striving for improvements no matter how great or how tiny, and shooting for the best--always.  It's about knowing what to do during the hard times and enjoying the good that follows.  It's about seeing the glass half full and knowing that when something bad happens, it has taken the place of something worse.

December 13 – Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

It takes an active person to make things happen.  There are definitely times in my life that I just want and need to veg.  I would feel superbly content in laying on the couch in front of a DVR full of movies to choose from and hit play.  I could zone out from life for just a couple of hours and enjoy some cheez-its in midst of it all.  I have this idea, this dream that is so close but so far that I will call my book complete and begin pitching it to publishers.  My next step is to take my illustrations slowly but surely to the finish.  It could be a little while until it happens, but as long as I break the hurdles into baby steps, the overwhelming feeling of frustration will dissipate.

December 14 – Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I appreciate all the little things in my life.... I appreciate being able to live--work, love, laugh, run, sigh, scream, and write.  I appreciate the feeling of a bubble bath, the sweet smell of an almond candle, a hot mug of tea with honey, and how it feels when I put my creativity to the test.  And I would gladly apply, rinse, and repeat each step of that every day...and continue life...with a few random and unexpected interruptions thrown into the mix.  What would life be without bits of surprise?

December 15 – 5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

I'd want to remember....
1) How to laugh out loud because it's the best medicine when things are just not going my way.
2) The most awesome pre-summer beach-side vacation in May 2010.
3) The anticipation of a spring vacation in Oregon in 2011!
4) My loving kitty who sleeps near me always, and my puppy who jumps onto my bed to nap where I slept all night.
5) My biggest goal of all--writing, and hopefully finishing, my book.

Five memories in five minutes... and although I only listed the notable memories, I will carry the not-so-notable with me into the next year.  Things happen for a reason and if I shut out the bad, how can I expect to remember the valuable lessons I've learned that came after making decisions and a few mistakes?

The Elimination Challenge!

#Reverb10 is a blogging initiative that provides prompts each day of the 31 days of December with the intent of reflecting on the past year, specifically 2010, and looking forward to what’s to come in the year ahead.

 

The Prompt

11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. Hesitation.  I need to stop saying no when I should be saying yes, and I need to stop saying yes when I should be saying no.  My big problem is that I second-guess myself and hesitate, and it's that hesitation that tends to get me in trouble.  I say yes to taking care of everything, but I never stop or draw the line...I just keep going which quickly becomes the fast lane to a burn out.  Yes, I can do the laundry and bake my mother's favorite dessert!  Yes, I can take care of the various household chores!  I'll do the grocery shopping!  I can trim the puppy's toenails!  I can run into the adoption center and check on the kitties!  Yay, I get to design a holiday donation sign!  Here comes Santa-Paws and I get to be an elf!  I will do an adoption application every week!  And I'll still be able to work 50 hours a week...and oh, let's not forget time to sleep!

2. People-Pleasing/Need for Validation.  I tend to find myself in this same predicament every so often.  I like to make people happy, what's the harm in that right?  But I've always been told in so many different ways that trying to make everyone happy is the speedy way to a big failure.  So why do I always wind up trying for the same thing?  No matter how much we try to change our "bad habits" or even our habits of good intention, we do what feels natural to us.  I love seeing people smile and laugh and having a part, even ever so small, in making them happy.  I know it's impossible to please everyone, so instead of stopping something that seems to be a part of my nature, I can accept the fact that I cannot please everyone all of the time, and know that it's okay.

3. Bad Attitudes.  It seems that no matter what environment I am in, I come across some pretty bad attitudes--in department stores, in the supermarket, on the telephone, in line at the post office.  Didn't any of these people get told that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar?  Even in the heat of a moment, while someone is yelling and losing his composure, the other person he is screaming at has a choice too to feed into the bad attitude or to be a cucumber.  I'm always amazed at how out of hand one person's hard moment or bad day can have a downward impact on each person they come in contact with.

4. Over-Analyzing.  This is a huge one.  Any time I make a huge mistake I think about it over and over and over again.  I hit the rewind and replay buttons in my head so much and think about what possible alternative endings could have been had my choice(s) been different than the actual.  I don't have a lot of regret in my life because I know I make choices and once they're made and unchangeable, I tend to accept my decisions and learn from the mistakes.  I try not to let myself forget that I made a mistake, how I made it, why I made it, and then what I could always have done differently.  But I over-analyze an extraordinary amount--sometimes even when I make good decisions.

5. Stuff.  I have so much stuff.  I have two closets jam packed full of different clothes, some of which was even bought recently--early Christmas gift.  I have so many pairs of shoes that I ran out of space in the bottom of both of the closets and they are hanging in shoe organizers over not just one but over two doors in my house.  The thing is that I've actually done so much better since I changed jobs last year when I left my management position in a department store where about once a week on average I was bringing something home--be it socks, a pair of jeans, cute flats, or a beautiful washable silk blouse for $3!  Of course that was where I had a terribly bad weakness for an unbelievably good deal.  Since I don't work there anymore, I would say that it is very controlled now; however, I still find moments that I indulge into some retail therapy.

6. Unnecessary Buying.  This definitely has to do with my "too much stuff" and my need for retail therapy that I could seriously figure out how to do without.  And I still find different way to justify and warrant my purchases.  Isn't everything in moderation okay?  I didn't buy my dog a toy in probably two years, so I bought him two new toys and let me tell you, he was one super happy doggie.  It seems like unnecessary spending unless you're a pet lover, like me.  I don't shower my pets with things, but they know I love them.  They get tasty treats and healthy food and long brushing appointments with the furminator in my living room.  The unnecessary spending is on things that still have their tags or are in their original packaging and have been that way for more than a month.  Let's not even touch on the things that have been there for over a year in that same state.

7. Not Asking for Help.  I've gotten better at this--I truly truly have.  But there are still times when I refuse to ask for help because I just know that I can do it better and faster on my own than if someone lent me their hand.  I think there's a higher sense of accomplishment if I do it myself from start to finish, although I am learning that while that is true that asking for help doesn't diminish my personal strength...at times it could even raise the value.

8. Drama.  I have done a pretty good job in separating myself from a lot of dramatic situations and from people who thrive on their own manifested drama-filled lives.  Although, one thing I can definitely say is that when I was forced to listen to most of it, it was quite entertaining.  The drama has only been gone for a few months, so here's hoping it stays away--far, far away and continues that path in the new year.

9. Procrastination.  When I get overwhelmed I tend to procrastinate because I don't know where to start or what to do first.  Taking one thing at a time and one day at a time is a good step in the right direction.

10.  Desk Clutter.  I spent days re-doing my office, and now I am barely ever in it because every time I have some more paperwork, I toss it on my desk, and then over a couple of weeks, I can't see the top of my desk anymore.

11. Pre-made processed food!  There is no need for cookies in the cookie aisle, no need for poptarts, pre-cooked meatballs or sausage... no need for the sausalitos or oatmeal breakfast bars.  Natural food is so much better.. cobb salads, golden delicious apples, chicken noodle soup...there's nothing like it.  In a can or in a box just isn't the same as when it comes from a pot on the stove or from the oven.  It's healthier, yes.  But it also has something the boxed and canned versions don't have--being prepared and cooked with love.