Searching...

I'm constantly searching...

for answers...
for a way to heal...
for a way to cope...
for a way to believe that it'll all be okay...
for a way to know...


I'm constantly wanting, looking, and thinking about how hard it is to move forward while knowing such a big part of me is missing.

Advice from friends and colleagues that it will be okay, and it'll get better... it'll become easier...
And I wonder how.  That's a question that still doesn't have an answer, and may never have an answer.  Maybe there is an infinite number of answers, and not a single one is the right one.

I can more easily say that I understand how my mother felt when her mother passed away.  And I think about everything she was able to share with her, that I won't be able to share with my mother.
Walking down the aisle in a white gown...
Bringing children into the world...
Shopping together, and knowing she would always give an honest opinion...
Laughing and crying...
Arguing in Yiddish while people stare in confusion...
And always making up no matter how horrible the words are...
Watching our "chick flick" movies together while I fell asleep on her bed...

And even as I sit here, I think about how she would console me.  The things she would say and how she looked.  And I hope I never forget any of it.